Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
