Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
