We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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