I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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