3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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