Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
