rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
