I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
