I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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