apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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