Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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