he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
my poor anus
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
where are my eyebrows?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
