and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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