he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
