I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
