Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
