does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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