True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
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alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
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My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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