Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
