just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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