You smell like stripper and shame
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
