you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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