My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
