I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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