I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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