I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
