I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
