so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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