my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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