The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
