If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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