i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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