note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
