He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
