Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
