hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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