every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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