I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize