Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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