mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize