I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
