Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
