you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
