Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
