I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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