Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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