After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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