No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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