What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
