i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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