i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
