OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
