sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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