I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
