I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
