i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
