He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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