Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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